AH YES! MARRIED LIFE, HERE ARE SOME
VIEWS ON THAT SUBJECT

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. (Henny Youngman)
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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.
It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old
and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as a wife,
and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended
to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband."
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When he arrived at the hotel,
there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old,
and by the time you receive this,
I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54
a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up."
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Before we got engaged he never farted.
Now it's a second language. (Caroline Rhea)
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Two engaged couples die and go to heaven.
They asks St. Peter, "Is there such thing as marrige in heaven?"
Peter tells them he'll get back to them!
10 years later they finally get married
but realize they weren't meant for each other.
So they ask St. Peter if there is such a thing as divorce in heaven? Peter responds, "It took us 10 years to get a priest up here how long do you think it will take us to get a lawyer!"
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I come from a big family... 14 kids.
I didn't sleep alone until I got married.
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My wedding day... that was a beauty. I went to put the ring on...
she gave me the wrong finger. (Rodney Dangerfield)
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Never tell your wife she's lousy in bed.
She'll go out and get a second opinion. (Rodney Dangerfield)
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They say marriage is a contract. No it's not.
Contracts come with warranties.
When something goes wrong,
you can take it back to the manufacturer.
If your husband starts acting up,
you can't take him back to his mama's house.
"I don't know... he just stopped working.
He's just laying around making a funny noise." (Wanda Sykes)
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A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. (Tim Allen)

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I love being married. I was single for a long time and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. (Brian Kiley)

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What’s the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months --
I don't like to interrupt her.

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Losing a wife can be hard. In some cases it’s almost impossible.

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Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

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My ex-wife and I have our alimony set up on the easy payment plan.
I make the payment and she takes it easy.

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Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - a life sentence!

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Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.

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A guy tells his psychiatrist, "It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I'd be back a day early.
I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"
"Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn't get your telegram." (Unknown)

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My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other --
so now it's just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)

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A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says, "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guy says, “Well, for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says,
"How would you define peace?" (Unknown)

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Two guys were staring into their drinks when one said, "Hey, Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"

"Yeah, all the time," Harry said. "Hers and mine." (Playboy's Party Jokes)

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A man complained to his therapist about having two unhappy marriages. "Tell me about them," the therapist said.

"Well," the man said, "my first wife divorced me
and my second wife won't."

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This guy approched his wife every night and has had the same reply for months: "Sweetie, not tonight, I've got a headache!" One night though, as she was asleep, he tossed two aspirins down her throat...
she wakes up in panic, and asks what´s going on.

"Baby, it's just a couple of aspirins," he replies...

"What?! But I haven´t got a headache!"

He stares at her calmly and says: "That's excellent!
In that case we're getting down to business."

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MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN AND THE WHOLE BACK ALLEY GANG