Problems driving
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself"I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"


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DEAN

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week,
eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

BIG D
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Pondering old age......

How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
when I recall where my get up has been.

Old age is golden-so I've heard it said-
but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,
with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,
my eyes on the table until I wake up.

Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?"
And I'm happy to say as I close my door,
my friends are the same, perhaps even more.

When I was young, my slippers were red,
I could pick up my heels right over my head.
When I grew older, my slippers were blue,
but still I could dance the whole night through.

But now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
The reason I know my youth is all spent,
my get up and go has got up and went.

But I really don't mind when I think, with a grin,
of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I have retired from life's competition,
I accommodate myself with complete repetition.

I get up each morning, and dust off my wits,
pick up my paper and read the "obits".
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed


BIG D
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GRANDMA'S GOTA GUN! A TRUE STORY FROM POLICE FILES......
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An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her car.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice,
"I have a gun and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car, scumbags !"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation
but got out and ran like mad,
whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken,
proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car
and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried,
and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car
and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story
nearly tore himself in two with laughter
and pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking
by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?"
asked the blonde of a man on the street corner.

"Sure....it's three fifteen," he replied with a smile.

"Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face.
"You know, it's the weirdest thing ...I've been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."


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