LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!HERE ARE YOUR DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATE WINNERS!
part one
HELP CHOOSE 1, 2, 3AND 4TH PLACE WINNERS

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming
Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently
test fire some fireworks.
<
Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop
a Several Hundred Thousand Gallon Fuel Distillation Storage Tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited,
producing a fireball seen for miles.
<
They were launched several hundred feet into the air
and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
...............................................................................
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT!
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas
when a lightning storm hit the lake.

Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore,
but not our friend the lawyer.
Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies,
this individual stood up,
spread his arms wide (crucifixion style)
and shouted:
<
"Here I am, Lord, let me have it!"
<
Needless to say,
God delivered.
<
The other two passengers on the boat
survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
....................................................................................
Dean's note: "Never mess with lighting nor GOD"
......................................................................................
CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites.
Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate.
It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake.
You can guess what happened from here.
The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.
....................................................................
Dean's Note: Never mess with snakes!
...............................................................
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU...
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow,
but he qualifies nonetheless.
You see, there was a gentleman from Korea
who was killed by his cell phone... more or less.
He was doing the usual "walking and talking"
when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck.
Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at
the same time.
..................................................................
Dean's note:
Something to think about nxt time you reach for the phone
..................................................................
MORE NEXT TIME HERE ON MY BLOG

YOUR FRIEND
MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN



HAVE A GREAT VETERAN'S DAY!

HERE IS SOMETHIN TO MAKE YOU LAUGH THIS DAY THE STORY OF

"TWO HUNTERS"
(Spike Milligan)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says:
"OK, now what?"
....................................................................... Well I guess he's dead now

YOUR FRIEND
MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN AND THE BACK ALLEY GANG

YOU MAY BE A FARMER IF:
1. Your dog rides in the truck more than your wife
2. You convince your wife that an overnight, out of State trip for parts is a vacation
3. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations
4. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house
5. You've never thrown away a 5 gallon bucket
6. You have used baling wire to attach a license plate
7. You have used a chainsaw to remodel your house
8. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate, and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday
9. You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment
10. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor's crops
11. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway
12. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby13. You have used a tractor with a loader as scaffolding for painting or roof repairs
14. You've used the same knife to make bull calves into steers and peel apples
15. You wave at every vehicle whether you know them or not
16. You always look when a vehicle passes your house, even at night
17. You have used something other than paper as toilet paper
18. You refer to farms by who owned them 50 or more years ago
19. You give directions to your farm by using area landmarks, not road names or number
20. Your wife agrees to observe Mother's Day after the beans are planted
21. You have animals living in buildings more expensive than your house
22. Over 50% of your clothing came from feed or seed dealers
23. Family weddings and special events are planned around spring planting and fall harvest
24. You've been stopped by the deputy sheriff for a cluttered dashboard
25. The rusted out areas of your truck are sealed off with old tee-shirts or duck tape
26 Your know that checkoff is not a Russian diplomat
27. Your family instantly becomes silent when the weather comes on the news
28. You pick up all the free stuff at the State Fair
29 You'll skip your own cousin's funeral for the first day of deer season ( and you know he would approve and would do the same if you died )
30. You can eat an ear of sweet corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds
31. You don't bother to clean up the dog's mess because it's just fertilizer, and the dog knows to stay out of your way
32. You know enough to get your driving done on Sundays before the "Sunday drivers" come out
33. It takes 30 seconds to reach your destination and it's clear across town
34. You can tell the difference between the smell of a skunk and the smell of a feedlot
35. The meaning of true love is that you'll ride in the tractor with him
36. The meaning of true love is that you'll pose for a picture with both him and his favorite tractor
37. You consider a building a mall if it's bigger than the local Wal-Mart
38. Your husband drives a friend home from the bar when he only lives 3 houses away
39. You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit
40. Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out
41. You know cow pies aren't made of beef
42. Your early morning prayer covers rain, cattle, and pigs
43. You consider a romantic evening driving through Hardees and renting a hunting instructional video
44. You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon and never get tired of him saying, "Gooooood day"
45. You can tell it's a farmer working late in the field, know who it is, what they're doing, and not think it's a UFO
46. Your nearest neighbor is in the next section, and you know what a section is
47, You actually understand the geographical neccesity of correction lines
48. Your other vehicle is a tractor
49. When you were little, you "beat-up" another kid on school bus arguing over the color of tractors
50. You have enough ball caps to match every shirt you own, but you only wear one so you don't get the others dirty
51. If you were given $1,000,000.00 you would keep right on farming. You'd farm differently, but you'd keep farming because that is who and what you are
....................................................................
What do you call 32 rednecks in a room?
A full set of teeth.
.....................................................................WELL HOW DID YA DO ARE YOU A REDNECK FARMER?
HOPE YOU ENJOYED!
YOUR FRIEND
MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN AND THE WHOLE BACK ALLEY GANG

AH YES! MARRIED LIFE, HERE ARE SOME
VIEWS ON THAT SUBJECT

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. (Henny Youngman)
<
<
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.
It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old
and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as a wife,
and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended
to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband."
<
When he arrived at the hotel,
there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old,
and by the time you receive this,
I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54
a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up."
<
<
Before we got engaged he never farted.
Now it's a second language. (Caroline Rhea)
<
<
Two engaged couples die and go to heaven.
They asks St. Peter, "Is there such thing as marrige in heaven?"
Peter tells them he'll get back to them!
10 years later they finally get married
but realize they weren't meant for each other.
So they ask St. Peter if there is such a thing as divorce in heaven? Peter responds, "It took us 10 years to get a priest up here how long do you think it will take us to get a lawyer!"
<

I come from a big family... 14 kids.
I didn't sleep alone until I got married.
<
My wedding day... that was a beauty. I went to put the ring on...
she gave me the wrong finger. (Rodney Dangerfield)
<

Never tell your wife she's lousy in bed.
She'll go out and get a second opinion. (Rodney Dangerfield)
<
They say marriage is a contract. No it's not.
Contracts come with warranties.
When something goes wrong,
you can take it back to the manufacturer.
If your husband starts acting up,
you can't take him back to his mama's house.
"I don't know... he just stopped working.
He's just laying around making a funny noise." (Wanda Sykes)
<

-----------------------------------

A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. (Tim Allen)

-----------------------------------

I love being married. I was single for a long time and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. (Brian Kiley)

-----------------------------------

What’s the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

-----------------------------------

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months --
I don't like to interrupt her.

-----------------------------------

Losing a wife can be hard. In some cases it’s almost impossible.

-----------------------------------

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

-----------------------------------

My ex-wife and I have our alimony set up on the easy payment plan.
I make the payment and she takes it easy.

-----------------------------------

Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - a life sentence!

-----------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

-----------------------------------

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-----------------------------------

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.

-----------------------------------

A guy tells his psychiatrist, "It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I'd be back a day early.
I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"
"Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn't get your telegram." (Unknown)

-----------------------------------

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other --
so now it's just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)

-----------------------------------

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says, "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guy says, “Well, for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says,
"How would you define peace?" (Unknown)

-----------------------------------

Two guys were staring into their drinks when one said, "Hey, Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"

"Yeah, all the time," Harry said. "Hers and mine." (Playboy's Party Jokes)

-----------------------------------

A man complained to his therapist about having two unhappy marriages. "Tell me about them," the therapist said.

"Well," the man said, "my first wife divorced me
and my second wife won't."

-----------------------------------

This guy approched his wife every night and has had the same reply for months: "Sweetie, not tonight, I've got a headache!" One night though, as she was asleep, he tossed two aspirins down her throat...
she wakes up in panic, and asks what´s going on.

"Baby, it's just a couple of aspirins," he replies...

"What?! But I haven´t got a headache!"

He stares at her calmly and says: "That's excellent!
In that case we're getting down to business."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE JOKE PAGE FOR TODAY
AND THAT IT GAVE YOU A SMILE
YOUR FRIEND
MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN AND THE WHOLE BACK ALLEY GANG

HERE ARE SOME FUNNY, TRUE STORIES FROM REAL PEOPLE
......................................................................
My grandfather always said,
"Don't watch your money; watch your health."
So one day while I was watching my health,
someone stole my money......
It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)
........................................................................
When I went to college,
my parents threw a going-away party for me,
according to the letter. (Emo Philips)
........................................................................

A father is explaining ethics to his son,
who is about to go into business.
"Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material.
You wrap it up, and you give it to her.
She pays you with a $100 bill.
But as she goes out the door you realize
she's given you two $100 bills.
Now, here's where the ethics come in:
should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman)
...................................................................................

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat.
"I'll have some [bleeping] French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his bad language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more [bleeping] French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the [bleeping] French toast." (Unknown)
....................................................................................

DON'T ASK ME I AM JUST AS CONFUSED AS YOU!
HOPE YOU ENJOYED THEM
YOUR FRIEND
MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN AND THE WHOLE GANG