WELL IT'S ALMOST HERE! CHRISTMAS DAY! SO THERE ARE ONLY 12 DAYS LEFT!
I WILL POST THE FUNNIEST JOKES I CAN FIND FOR YOU MY FRIENDS NOW ON TO OUR FINE FEATHERED FRIENDS: PICTURE THIS; A BAR, A PARROT AND A OWNER A BARTENDER:

One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?"

The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch."The guy lit a match and placed it under the parrots left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells", it was a Christmas Parrot.
The guy then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas."

The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place them between his feet?"

The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see."

When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot the parrot began to sing a familiar tune.......
"Chesnuts roasting on an open fire."




........YOUR FRIEND
..........MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN AND FRIENDS

Rebuttal To Santa Works Hard, But He's Not Real "Facts"

Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals,then it's only a small step to the rest.

For example;
1) As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found.
I would agree that it would be quite an unusual find,
but they might exist.

2) You've relied on cascading assumptions.
For example, you have assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes.

Toronto/Yorkville, or Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie neighborhoods, have probably less than the average
(and don't forget the DINK and SINK homes)
(Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while the families with 748 starving children that they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that 15% of homes down a few percent.

3) You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. What if anti-selection applies,
and homes with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids, and other homes have nothing except terrorists in diapers?
Let's drop that number of homes down a few more percent.

4) Santa would have to Fedex a number of packages ahead of time,
since he would not be able to fly into Air Force Bases,
or into tower-controlled areas near airports.
He's get shot at over certain sections of the Middle East,
and the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he'd probably use DHL there.
Subtract some more homes.

5) I just barely passed Physics and only read Stephen Hawking's book once, but I recall that there is some Einsteinian Theory that says time does strange things as you move faster.
In fact, when you go faster than the speed of light time runs backward, if you do a straight line projection, connect the
dots and just ignore any singularity you might find right at the speed of light. And don't say you can't go faster than the speed of light because I've seen it done on TV. Jean-Luc doesn't have reindeer but he does have matter-antimatter warp engines and a holodeck and that's good enough for me.

So Santa could go faster than light,
visit all the good children which are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all
those stale cookies and warm milk yech.

6) Aha, you say, Jean-Luc has matter-antimatter warp engines,
Santa only has reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast!
You calculated the answer!
The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of
energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of energy for the
maneuvering, acceleration, etc, that would be required of the loaded sleigh.
The reindeer don't evaporate or incinerate because of this energy, they accelerate. What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females?
Think of antlers as furry solar array panels.

7. If that's not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o'clock. NORAD (which may be one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in it's name and therefore it must be more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa every year and I've seen the radar shots of him approaching my house from the direction of the North Pole.
They haven't bomarck'd him yet, so they must believe too, right?

REPORTED BY RUDDIE THE RED AND FRIENDS

Santa Works Hard!!

It's that time of year again. You know, all full of holly, HO HO HO and snow. In fact I've just cleared the desktop in preparation for the celebration. Accountants are never too slow in doing their calculations, and this time of year is no exception.

A mystery "chain fax" that submits that the Father Christmas myth to scientific analysis has popped up in the City, much to the amusement of money men, who are chuckling at the sight of the bearded old fraud being ruthlessly audited. The analysis calculates that there are possibly 378 million children in the Christian world; at just over 4.1 per household, that's 98.1 million homes. "One presumes that there's at least one good child in each".

Time zones give Santa 31 hours of Christmas to work with, which means 822.6 visits per second. "This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, fill the stockings ... [and] get back into
the sleigh."

The sleigh itself would have to travel at 3,000 times the speed of sound, 650 miles per second. "[The] fastest man made vehicle ... the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey
27.4 miles per second." The sleigh's payload - assuming nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set, weighing 2 lbs, is 321,300 tons and, even if flying reindeer have 10 times the
pulling power of an ordinary reindeer, he will need 214,000 of the beasts.

Finally, "353,000 tons, travelling at 650 miles per second, creates enormous air resistance ... the lead pair of reindeer (you know, Rudolph and chum) will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules
of energy ... per second ... each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously". Santa's whole flying circus, the fax claims, would burn up, like a spacecraft re-entering the atmosphere.

"In conclusion: If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve .. he's dead now!!"

The above may be used in Christmas 2006 as a cost saving exercise, and copies distributed
in lieu of presents to children/grandchildren.



Don't worry kids Santa will be here somehow!

Top Ten Questions On The Macy's Department Store Santa Application

10. "Do you mind checking your gun at the door?"

9. "Have you ever been accused of hiding stolen goods in your beard?"

8. "Can you pretend to be jolly making $6.25 an hour?"

7. "Would your cheeks be red without the scotch?"

6. "Are you prepared to lie about our Playstation 3 availability?"

5. "Reindeer allergies?"

4. "Can you disarm a kid who comes at you with a sharpened candy cane?"

3. "Will your lap support today's obese children?"

2. "Do you own urine-proof pants?"

1. "Are you a cop?"

THE ABOVE LIST IS FROM THE DAVID LETTERMEN SHOW:
GEE~I DIDN'T THINK YOU NEED ALL THAT FOR A JOB AS SANTA

Top Ten Elf Pet Peeves

10. After too much eggnog,
Mrs. Claus is "all hands."

9. Ever since they hit the big time, those damn Keebler Elves act likewedon't exist.

8. Santa keeps asking,
"Does this suit make me look fat?"

7. That idiot Blitzen always mistaking you for a chew toy.

6. You're enjoying the jacuzzi,
and Santa gets in naked.

5. Now have to work through coffee breaks thanks to the McCaugheyseptuplets.

4. It's at least a thousand miles from North Pole to nearest stripclub.

3. Next to "race" on the census forms,
there's never a box marked"elf."

2. Hookers who laugh when you take your pants off.

1. Health plan doesn't cover sleigh rash.

Poor little guys they do have problems don't they~