With this one, I am going to just let you read
it No peeking! Start

HERE-----
There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch its fur. So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."

Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla!

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"

THIS IS HIS DAY JOB

BET YOU DID NOT EXPECT THAT ENDING DID YA!~
YOUR FRIEND
MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN
"GARFIELD AND THE BACK ALLEY BOYS"

THE FOLLOWING STORY IS TRUE; I CAN'T BELIEVE IT MY SELF BUT WHEN I HEARD, WELL YOU READ IT AND JUDGE FOR YOUR SELF.........

"THE DUCK TAPE BANDIT"

Yes you did read the title right,
It seems this guy walked into a
local wine and liquor store to rob it!
Now, there was something awful wrong with this guy;
you see he covered his face with
DUCT-TAPE to hide from the owner.

The owner had a DUCT-TAPED BAT which he
cased him with.

A employee tackled him outside in the parking
till the police came for him.

The local T.V. interviewed him
at the jail, and he said"It was not me,
I am not no duct tape bandit! Do I look like a fool
with duct tape?

NOTE: THIS IS NOT ALL OF THE STORY
THERES THE PART WHERE THE OWNERS AND EVERYONE
INCLUDING MY SELF WERE LAUGHING OUR ASS OFF AT
THIS GUY
I DON'T THINK HE WILL LIKE STATESVILLE MUCH
WHERE I THINK HE SHOULD GO FOR A TERM OF AT LEAST 1 YEAR
AFTER ALL THE NEXT TIME THIS NUT MIGHT TRY A GUN
HAVE A GREAT DAY AND STAY COOL
YOUR PAL
"GARFIELD, AND THE BACK ALLEY CATS"
MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN

TO ALL "THE BACK ALLEY GANG aka THE BACK ALLEY BOYS"

NOW FELLOW CATS AND KITTENS PAY CLOSE ATTENTION
TO THE FOLLOWING GUIDELINES!

Feline Physics:

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a Human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

STUDY AND OBEY ALL LAWS AND
NEVER WORRY 'BOUT DOGS
THEY'RE MOSTLY CHAINED UP
AND YOU CAN ALWAYS RUN AND HIDE
YOUR PAL
GARFIELD!

HERE'S ANOTHER LETTER I FOUND ON THE WEB, I CAN'T TELL YOU IF IT IS TRUE OR NOT, READ ON.....

Saturday, August 11, 2007

To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory

From: Secretary of Energy

Dear staff members:

Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a bit.

Effective Monday:

1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times.

2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.

3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick- on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . " The stickers will be available at the front desk.

4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper-linked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.

5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work be posting advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.

6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a- Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.

7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects.

8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted.

9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours.

10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care.

Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative -- all 37 1/2 hours of the week!

Sincerely,

Bill

M.M.DEAN AND "THE BACK ALLEY BOYS"

HERE WE GO...JOB SPECS FOR PIPES LET' VIEW OUR
"GOVERNMENT AT WORK"

Government Pipe Specifications

All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "really long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a really long pipe.

All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you may end up going the wrong way.

Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill, or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

NOW did you get all that?
Well it confused the hell out of me
YOUR FRIENDS
MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN AND "BACK ALLEY GANG"

WISHING YOU A GREAT FRIDAY AND A GREAT WEEKEND!