Signs Found in Kitchens

1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
.
4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
.
5. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
'
6. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
.
7. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
.
8. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
.
9. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
.
10. Housework done properly can kill you.
.
11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
.
12. My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
.

Here's hoping this brings a little sunshine to your day
MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN AND FRIENDS

why parents have gray hair
Just a reminder........

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!




WELL I GUESS THIS IS REAL GOOD REASON RIGHT? I AM GLAD I AM NOT THAT KID!

OK LADIES, SEE HOW MANY APPLY TO YOU!

Dictionary for women:

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

YOUR FRIEND
MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN

THE REAL MEANING OF WORDS:

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...

"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

(Ok fellows, how many of you will admit to that one)

WHAT IS IT? I'LL LET YOU ANSWER THIS ONE YOUR SELFS

It has no conscience
and no memory. Left to its own devices,
it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

MAN:

If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

WOMAN:
If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

(ooooooh! That smarts!)
FROM GARFIELD AND ALL THE GUYS AND GALS
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!
YOUR FRIEND
MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN

HERE'S A FUNNY ONE JUST FOR YOU!

PICK-UP LINES:
Man:
"Hey baby, what's your sign?"

Woman:

"Do not enter."

Man:
Is this seat empty?
Woman:
Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

THE REAL MEANING........

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

HOPE YOU ENJOYED THESE
YOUR FRIEND
MAN MOUNTAIN DEAN