Santa Works Hard!!

It's that time of year again. You know, all full of holly, HO HO HO and snow. In fact I've just cleared the desktop in preparation for the celebration. Accountants are never too slow in doing their calculations, and this time of year is no exception.

A mystery "chain fax" that submits that the Father Christmas myth to scientific analysis has popped up in the City, much to the amusement of money men, who are chuckling at the sight of the bearded old fraud being ruthlessly audited. The analysis calculates that there are possibly 378 million children in the Christian world; at just over 4.1 per household, that's 98.1 million homes. "One presumes that there's at least one good child in each".

Time zones give Santa 31 hours of Christmas to work with, which means 822.6 visits per second. "This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, fill the stockings ... [and] get back into
the sleigh."

The sleigh itself would have to travel at 3,000 times the speed of sound, 650 miles per second. "[The] fastest man made vehicle ... the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey
27.4 miles per second." The sleigh's payload - assuming nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set, weighing 2 lbs, is 321,300 tons and, even if flying reindeer have 10 times the
pulling power of an ordinary reindeer, he will need 214,000 of the beasts.

Finally, "353,000 tons, travelling at 650 miles per second, creates enormous air resistance ... the lead pair of reindeer (you know, Rudolph and chum) will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules
of energy ... per second ... each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously". Santa's whole flying circus, the fax claims, would burn up, like a spacecraft re-entering the atmosphere.

"In conclusion: If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve .. he's dead now!!"

The above may be used in Christmas 2006 as a cost saving exercise, and copies distributed
in lieu of presents to children/grandchildren.



Don't worry kids Santa will be here somehow!

Top Ten Questions On The Macy's Department Store Santa Application

10. "Do you mind checking your gun at the door?"

9. "Have you ever been accused of hiding stolen goods in your beard?"

8. "Can you pretend to be jolly making $6.25 an hour?"

7. "Would your cheeks be red without the scotch?"

6. "Are you prepared to lie about our Playstation 3 availability?"

5. "Reindeer allergies?"

4. "Can you disarm a kid who comes at you with a sharpened candy cane?"

3. "Will your lap support today's obese children?"

2. "Do you own urine-proof pants?"

1. "Are you a cop?"

THE ABOVE LIST IS FROM THE DAVID LETTERMEN SHOW:
GEE~I DIDN'T THINK YOU NEED ALL THAT FOR A JOB AS SANTA

Top Ten Elf Pet Peeves

10. After too much eggnog,
Mrs. Claus is "all hands."

9. Ever since they hit the big time, those damn Keebler Elves act likewedon't exist.

8. Santa keeps asking,
"Does this suit make me look fat?"

7. That idiot Blitzen always mistaking you for a chew toy.

6. You're enjoying the jacuzzi,
and Santa gets in naked.

5. Now have to work through coffee breaks thanks to the McCaugheyseptuplets.

4. It's at least a thousand miles from North Pole to nearest stripclub.

3. Next to "race" on the census forms,
there's never a box marked"elf."

2. Hookers who laugh when you take your pants off.

1. Health plan doesn't cover sleigh rash.

Poor little guys they do have problems don't they~

HI FOLKS JUST TO LET YOU KNOW I WILL BE AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER FOR A FEW DAYS
I WILL MISS YOU KEEP WARM AND SAFE
BIG DEAN AND FRIENDS

Comments:

Very funny!

I haven't heard a good gorilla joke in a while.

Oh, yeah. This was an AGGIE joke.

I've got one for you:

So, these two Aggies decide to take up hunting. They get some advice from some seasoned hunters and set out into the woods. They are walking and walking and they never see any game, so they grow frustrated. One says to the other, let's rest here and then go back.
So, they rest for awhile, and get up to head back to their car. Then they realize they don't know which direction to walk!!!
They ponder the problem awhile, and finally one said, "Mountain Man Jack said that if we get lost we should fire three shots in the air and wait for someone to find us."
So, they fire three shots in the air and wait. Nobody comes, so they decide to walk in the direction they think they remember coming from and hope to find someone. They walk and walk and finally get tired again. They decide to stop and fire three more shots. They do so, but no one comes.
They set off again and repeat the process a few more times.
Finally, one says, "We should just wait here and fire three more shots."
The other starts to do that, and says, "Uh, oh".
"What's the matter."
"Well, I can't fire three more shots in the air," the tired Aggie says, "I've only got two arrows left."




by NW_Matters (PM , CC ) on Saturday December 2, 2006 @ 5:34 PM

THANKS NW_MATTERS FOR THE FUNNY JOKE!
WE ALL CAN USE THE HUMOR NOWDAYS!

REPRINTED FROM COMMET PAGE WITH HER PERMISSION.