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BIG DEANS FUNNY STUFF FOR YOU!

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 MORNING PRAYERS:
 

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AMEN!

BIG D
Posted by BIG DEAN at 1:08 AM - No Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 3 MEN INTO HEAVEN:
 

"3 MEN INTO HEAVEN:

It was getting a little crowded in heaven,
so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that, in order to get into heaven,
you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01,
the first person comes to the gates of heaven.

The angel at the gate,
remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man,
"Before I let you in,
I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man says.
"I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour
and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight.
I immediately began searching for him.
My wife was yelling at me
as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

"Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers
until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side.
It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day.
It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces,

"OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and lets him in.

A few seconds later the next guy comes up.

"Before I can let you in,
I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

The man says, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped,
and accidentally fell over the side!

"Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

"I could get used to this new policy,"
he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces, "welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later,
a third man comes up to the gate.
The angel is warming up to his task.

"OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

The man says, "OK, picture this.
I'm naked inside this refrigerator.........

NOW THAT'S A TOUGH DAY!

HAVE A GREAT ONE!

BIG D
Posted by BIG DEAN at 1:53 PM - 8 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 TALKING ITALIAN:
 

Talking Italian:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized
when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come.
Two asses, they come together.
I come again. Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

I guess you might say
"It's all ina the ear of the beholder"

Posted by BIG DEAN at 9:55 AM - No Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 LITTLE MARY &, JOHNNIE, IN SUNDAY SCHOOL
 

LITTLE MARY & JOHNIE IN SUNDAY SCHOOL

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir,
little Johnny, an altruistic boy
seated in the chair behind her,
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty !" shouted Mary and the teacher said,
"Very good" and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary,
"Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue
and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!"
shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good,"
and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question,
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time,
I'll break it in half!"
The Teacher fainted.
Posted by BIG DEAN at 9:43 PM - 4 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 SHORT FUSE!
 

"SHORT FUSE"

There were these two people in a bar,
a boy and a girl.

They started talking and decided to go back to the guy's house.

When they got there the man took off his shirt and said,

"This is 1,000 pounds of dynamite."

The girl was sweating.

Then he took off his pants and said,
"This is another 1,000 pounds of dynamite."

By now, the girl wanted to jump on him.

Then he took off his boxers......

and the girl started to run for the door.

The guy asked, "Whats wrong? Where are you going?"

The girl said "With 2,000 pounds of dynamite
and such a short fuse, I thought you were going to blow."
Posted by BIG DEAN at 7:15 AM - No Comments   Add a Comment  
 
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  About Me
Author: BIG DEAN
From KENTUCKY, USA
Age: 63
 
This blog is about...
HI, I WILL POST FUNNY STUFF THAT I FIND ON THE WEB MY AIM IS TO BRING A SMILE OR TWO TO YOU.... more
 
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